hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Randomize
