Got a toothbrush?
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
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