now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
He's a collector of sorts
Any cool stuff?
You should see the collection of booggers in the carpet next to his desk
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
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