Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
It was actually pretty good. His cock is as fat as the rest of him and I took out my contacts so I couldn't see him clearly.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
Randomize
