is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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