you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
