she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Randomize
