My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
you inspire me to be a worse person
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
Randomize
