i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
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