Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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