god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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