just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
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