Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
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