I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Randomize
