So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Randomize
