I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Randomize
