Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
