Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
Oh god it's open bar.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Randomize
