apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
Biggg time. I found 2 empty packages of extenze in my car this am.... not sure what that was all about
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just shit my pants and had a heart attack. Simultaneously. May or may not be related to this game.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
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