Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
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