Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
you didnt know i had herpes?
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
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