On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
