I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
Randomize
