hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
Randomize
