I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
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