great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
Randomize
