her vagina looked like bernie madoff
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Randomize
