just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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