I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
ya i guess you have to take things with a grain of salt in a place where nipple clamps are the norm..
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
Randomize
