A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
Shame - the story of my life.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
