i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
are you so shy because you have an std?
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
