So yes it WAS her period, NOT a nose bleed.
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
Randomize
