U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
be right there i have to get my cape
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
Randomize
