god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
Randomize
