this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
