I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
Randomize
