i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
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