I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
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