you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Randomize
