I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Randomize
