her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Randomize
