I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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