Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
ok first of all what the fuck
Randomize
