I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
