Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
