Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
