Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Randomize
