i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
Randomize
