My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
it's not the walk of shame if you do it in cowboy boots.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
