I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
Randomize
