I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Randomize
