If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
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