I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
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