It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
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