If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
