i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Randomize
