obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
