Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
