you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
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